I know it was hard. Maybe it still affects you today. Maybe some people think it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe it was a huge one. You won’t ever forget your experiences, but you have to put them on the back burner because they are affecting who you are now and who you could be. It’s time to let go to let glow.
*I am in no way referencing deep trauma and if you are dealing with anything of the sort I encourage you to get help and heal in ways necessary. This post is for those who are haunted by their pasts but are ready to let go and want more. Be gentle with yourselves! <3
The Culprit
We all have at least one culprit. There is no point in giving examples because we all have lived different lives and things affect us all differently. I will, however, name one of mine. I have several, and some take more work to get through than others. Some I’m not ready to move past and still address in therapy. All of that is okay. The one I am ready to move past, however, is my self-hatred from years of being bullied by my peers and years of being disrespected and degraded by men. I was called every insult in the book, posted and made fun of via social media, pranked, and borderline abused. Crushes would pretend to like me to humiliate me, or straight up call me ugly to my face. This occurred all throughout my years of school. Some years were more intense than others, but always looming over me nonetheless. After years of being told I was absolute garbage, of course, I started to believe it. Internalize it. I was ugly. Everyone said it, it must be true.
As I got older and the bullying stopped, I was much better mentally, but those words were still in the back of my mind. The disrespect from men has yet to stop to this day, however, it’s less frequent as I’m not in a building with teenagers for seven hours a day anymore. Still, I struggle with self-love. Even recently, when I walked into a room I expected to be considered a bro and dapped up. I expected my friends to all get a guy’s number by the end of the night and not me. I expected my crush to think I was ugly. Now, most of the time these things did end up being true. So could you really blame me for simply believing what I was seeing?
Self Fuffuling Proffacy
I must admit anytime someone said “Men can tell you aren’t confident” or something along those lines, it made me want to punch someone in the face. Blonde-haired blue-eyed Becky could be wearing a pizza-stained T-shirt and have no confidence whatsoever and she’d still get a guy’s number. It wasn’t fair. However, I wasn’t Becky. I had to live my life according to the cards I had been dealt.
Even if I didn’t get all the guys, I was shutting myself off to any that may be interested in me because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I was so low-vibrational that the only guys I attracted were the ones no respectable woman would touch with a ten-foot poll. I tried to use those men to fulfill my woe is me narrative, but the truth was I was inviting them into my orbit by being so full of self-hatred and essentially easy prey. I was too busy assuming all the men thought I was ugly and leaving the party pissed, instead of being the best version of myself that a true high-quality man would notice. Too busy being worried about the men who didn’t want me, and the people who disrespected me, that I neglected my appearance, attitude, and overall ora. I had let the demons of my past take over and jeopardize my future. No more. In life, no one gets every guy they want. Not everyone will appreciate your beauty or be worthy enough to see it. Instead of wasting time focusing on them, put your heart and energy into building yourself up for those who deserve you. The more time spent wallowing in the past, the less time you get to bask in your bright glowing future. It’s an ongoing journey trying to rewire your brain and your outlook. But I promise you, if you keep working on it, it will be more than worth it.
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